


all the while you shared your heart with me

by lazarov



Series: Paris Blue [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Awkward Sex, First Love, First Times, Growing Up, London, M/M, Prostitute!Louis, Prostitution, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:38:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazarov/pseuds/lazarov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <b>paris blue</b>.  Life in Wolverhampton turns into life in London and Louis isn't sure if he's ready for any of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “London is a riddle. Paris is an explanation.”   
> ― G.K. Chesterton

"We're walking."  It's a windy, cold day in Wolverhampton (as if there is any other kind), and Louis is being dragged by his shirtsleeve out of Liam's house and onto the sidewalk.  "You're," Liam begins, but he can't seem to decide on a word that best expresses his absolute incredulity.

Louis rolls his eyes, happy to oblige him.  "Incorrigible?   _Hopeless_?  A hooligan?"

"Yes," Liam nods, annoyed. "Yes, all of those."

"I hope you don't expect me to apologize for the fact that your parents like me much more than they have ever liked you," Louis hums, smacking a kiss on Liam's cheek.  "It was inevitable.  You've been replaced.  You'll have to move out and live on the streets and _sell your body to survive_."  Louis lays the back of his hand across his forehead and pretends to faint like a film star from the 20s.

Liam, having none of it, jerks him upright and pulls him down the sidewalk.  "That's not funny, Lou, and you just can't --  _you can't smoke cigarettes with my mum._ "

Louis catches the look of dismay on Liam's face and stops in his tracks, doubling over with laughter.  "It's no big deal!  Just a sneaky fag in the garden, it's fine.  We were bonding!  I mean, the woman's an absolute riot, you know that?"  Liam huffs, his breath visible in the cold air, and Louis straightens up.  He knows how much Liam hates when he takes the piss and he's nearly learned when to stop himself before he goes too far and triggers a meltdown.  Louis reaches his fingers out to snag Liam's.  "You're really cross, aren't you?  I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry, it's just bonding, Liam. I'm just, you know, trying."

Liam closes his eyes and rubs his hands up his cheeks, which are quickly reddening from the late November air.  "No, no, no, I know.  I know you are.  Thank you."  He presses his fingers into his temples and rubs in circles, letting out a small, frustrated groan.  "I'm sorry, too."

Louis pulls Liam closer and presses a kiss into the space between Liam's eyes, which, when they open, are red and teary and lost. Louis' heart drops.  "Hey?  Hey.  What's up?"  

Liam sniffs and rubs the back of his hand under his nose.    

"It's just," Liam starts, voice shaky and half-laughing out of embarrassment.  He wipes at his eyes and shakes his head. "This is hard for me."

"Yeah," Louis pulls him into a hug, chin resting on top of Liam's head.  "Yeah, I know it is."  

He decides to hold his tongue and doesn't add a  _me too_ , even though it would be the truth and even though he desperately wants to, because the reason it's hard for Liam is not (and never will be) the same reason it's hard for Louis. 

"So," Liam sucks in a deep breath.  "Thank you for being so wonderful and charming and making them like you so much and thank you for making them  _not hate me_."

" _Liam, no, come on_ ," Louis sighs, wrapping an arm around Liam's shoulders and steering him back toward the house.  "They would never - that was never an option.  Your mum and dad and Nicola and Ruth, they're all so great, they'd never -- it doesn't  _matter_  to them, Liam. I can tell." 

"It  _does_  matter."  Liam's voice is small.  "Maybe it doesn't matter as much for my mum, because -- because she's a girl and all.  But.  My dad, he - I don't know, it's stupid, but, like, he'd always crack jokes about George Michael and  _real men_  and, and -" They stop and lean, side by side, against the brick wall in front of Liam's.

"Okay, Liam, it's Serious Louis Real Talk time:  none of that bullshit means anything," Louis grabs Liam's hand and squeezes it.   "I mean it.  Your dad still loves you to death, your mum still loves you to death.  Nothing's changed for them.  You're their golden boy."  Liam says nothing, just kicks at the dead leaves the wind has blown against the foot of the wall and listens.  "It might not be what they were expecting, or what they had planned, but.  They love you and they're dealing with it."

Liam nods.  He leans into Louis' shoulder and lets Louis pet his hair.

"Anyway, maybe they're holding out hope that once you kick me to the curb you'll go back to chasing birds."

Liam yanks his head away and shoves him.  "Prat."  His eyes are still red but he's laughing, shaking his head in mock disgust.

"C'mon," Louis says, blowing into his hands and rubbing them together before giving Liam a gentle, affectionate shove back.  "It's fucking cold.  Let's go inside.  I think your mum thinks you dragged me out here to break up with me, so, obviously, we need to go console her."

"Yeah," Liam agrees, wiping at his eyes.  "Yeah, we should."


	2. All the while you lit your streets for me, I cursed the pavement that I walked.

 

~

_"So what took you so long?" Liam asked._

_"Life," Louis replied.  "And finding, you know, the cash.  And the guts."_

_"Yeah," Liam nodded._

_Louis offered his hand, and Liam pulled him up._

_~_

"Fuuuuuck," Louis groans, pulling off his work apron and tossing it onto Liam's bedroom floor.  "I _missed_ you today."  He slides up behind Liam's chair and leans over him, dragging his fingers up Liam's stomach and sucking gently on the sensitive skin underneath his ear.  He presses his nose into Liam's throat, closing his eyes and inhaling.  "You smell good."

"Are you hitting on me?" Liam smirks, raising his hand up to run his thumb along the curve of Louis' jaw.  Louis snorts a laugh against his neck.

It's been four months.  Four months in Wolverhampton, four months of normalcy.  

It didn't take long for Louis to integrate himself into Liam's world - it's been a while since he's played house, but it isn't hard to slip back into it all again.  Slowly, but surely, Louis put together the components of a respectable life: proper living arrangements, a proper job, a proper relationship (and the first two are familiar, at least).  Stocking shelves in a family grocery might not be the most glamorous job, but it pays the rent - the rent he insists on paying - on the spare bedroom in Liam's parents' house and it keeps him busy and it… is dull.  It's dull, but that's okay, because Liam is the opposite of dull -- he's fucking electrifying (and thank God, too, because Wolverhampton is anything but stimulating).  He's  _worth_  it.

"Nope."  Louis nips at Liam's neck and shakes his head, his hand sneaking down to cup Liam through his trousers.  He squeezes gently and Liam lets out a grunt, hips pushing up from his seat.

"Rules," Liam begins to whine, but the word is cut off by another gasp when Louis slides his hand under the waistband of his jeans.  _Your mom already knows what we do in your room, Liam.  She and I discussed it over a fag._ A smirk flashes across Louis' face at the thought and his tongue darts out to slide against Liam's adam's apple.  "No sex in the," Liam takes another gasp of air, " _house_."

The No Sex in the House rule had only recently become a rule -- and, in the months prior to the establishment of said rule, it had simply been an unfortunate fact.  It remained a stumbling point for a long time after Louis' surprise arrival; sex was discussed only through embarrassed texts and shrouded language and curious touches.  From day one, after Louis' surprise arrival, t was clear that whatever courage and sexual liberation Liam had plucked up in Parishad quickly dissipated once he was faced with the reality of Louis sitting in his parents' parlour making polite conversation with his mum with six pieces of ratty luggage in the foyer.

Liam's mum, bless her, had welcomed Louis with open arms and biscuits and tea.  Initially, an overcompensatingly-chatty Liam had tried to pass him off as a new friend he'd picked up like a souvenir, and Louis had been a good sport and jovially played along.  If there's one thing Louis is good at, it's winningly charming Mom-talk. It all went swimmingly, really, not a hint of suspicion to be found -- until Louis made an offhand joke about "wooing Liam along the banks of the Seine" and Liam, too shocked to laugh it off, allowed the statement to hang in the air until his mother set down her teacup and sighed, "Oh."

And from then on, that was that. Liam's family quickly learned to deal -- Louis never had the heart to point out the fact that families that adapt as quickly as Liam's usually have their suspicions to begin with.  Liam's parents actually like Louis a lot, as far as he can tell (and he really does do his best).  He smokes sneaky cigarettes with Liam's mum (much to Liam's ire, but Louis thinks the benefits - and the gossip - outweigh Liam's outrage) and he watches football with Liam's dad (sometimes Liam joins in, but oftentimes it's just the two of them sharing gruff, profanity-laden commentary).  He shares in-jokes and winks and fashion advice with Liam's sisters (who are so pleased at the idea of having him around, that Louis willingly fulfils all of their gay-brother-in-law stereotypical wishes).

"God, you're beautiful, you know that?"  Louis yanks Liam up onto his feet.  "I don't care how tacky that sounds.  _Your beauty inspires the very depths of my tackiness._ "

"I'm sure you say that to all your boyfriends."  Liam's voice wavers gently.  It's one of those small flashes of insecurity that, these days, come fewer and farther between than they used to.

"You've, um.  Very little competition in that area, love," Louis says, shrugging.  He flashes a ' _what-can-I-say?'-_ grin at Liam's perplexed face then slides down to his knees to unbutton Liam's trousers.

"Wait, what?" Liam plants his finger in the middle of Louis' forehead and pushes him away from his crotch.  He tilts it back so that they're facing each other, and when Louis regretfully looks away from the prize in front of him and glances up at Liam's face, Liam's eyebrow is cocked and he's chewing at the edge of his lip, thinking.  "Am I your first, actual boyfriend, Louis?"

"Define 'boyfriend.'"  Louis crinkles his nose, face red.  He waves Liam's hand away and rubs the finger-dent from his forehead with the back of one hand while unzipping Liam's jeans and sliding them to his knees with the other.

"Wow," Liam murmurs.  He runs a pensive hand through his own hair, nodding absently.  He bites his lip again, then glances back down to watch Louis slip off his pants and palm his cock.  He lets out a low groan, mumbling,  " _Cool_.  I mean, I like that I'm, you know, a... first."  

"Mhmm," Louis nods, thumbing a bead of precum across the tip of Liam's cock.  Before Louis is able to slip him into his mouth, however, Liam's grabs hold of Louis' hair and tilts his head back again.  Liam drops to his knees and kisses Louis hard, pushing him back onto the carpet and grinding himself against Louis' thigh.  He maintains his grip, fingers tangled at the back of Louis' scalp, pulling tight.  Louis gasps a little at the pain and bucks his hips, rutting against Liam's hipbone.  He lets go of Liam's hips to unbutton his own trousers, trying to lift himself off the carpet just enough to slide them down and -

"Ungh," Louis grunts against Liam's throat as their cocks slide together, hot and damp and oversensitive.  

Shortly after arriving in Wolverhampton, Louis had made his way down to the local public clinic and gotten tested.  Just to be safe.  He'd scrounged in his pockets and paid the extra £2 for printed results.

If he had a gun against his head Louis would admit that, after the tests, he'd sat outside the clinic and cried until the evening air began to bite at him and his nose started to ache from the cold and Liam began to send him why-aren't-you-answering Panic Texts.  But he doesn't have a gun against his head, _so_ , as far as Louis is concerned, it never happened.  Anyway, the tests came back clean.  _No use crying over spilt milk_ , his Mum used to tell him.  It's what his Mum would have told him then, pathetic and sobbing on a bus-stop bench outside of a sexual health clinic -- that is, it's what she'd tell him if she knew his phone number or his current address or whether or not he was even alive.  

After he picked up the results, Louis filed them away between two pages of his dad's old Wodehouse novel ( _Cocktail Time,_ except now the cover reads _Cock Time_ because some fucking idiot junkie he'd let crash on his floor in Paris had scribbled out the 'tail'), just in case Liam ever asked.  Sometimes Louis daydreams, when he's mindlessly stocking shelves full of junk food and adult diapers, and he wonders if, had his result come back _less than favourable_ , he'd have told Liam outright.  He wonders, as he stacks soup cans and lines up bottles of Fairy soap, whether or not he would have gently folded and filed those results away or if he would have torn them up and thrown them in the gutter without looking back.  

Anyway, eventually, Liam _did_ ask about the tests.  But he didn't ask for the hard copy, the proof.  He just took Louis' word - nodding, wide eyed, and wrapping his arms around Louis in relief.  _Lovely Liam.  Beautiful, naive Liam._

Liam lifts himself slightly off of Louis' chest and grins self-consciously down at him.  He pecks a kiss on the corner of Louis' mouth, then spits in his hand.  Wide-eyed, Louis watches as Liam's hand dances down his stomach and he can't help but jump a little at Liam's first tentative touch, his breath shaky as Liam begins to slowly stroke them together.

It only takes a few strokes, with Louis involuntarily bucking his hips and fucking himself into Liam's hand, the undersides of their cocks clumsily sliding against each other, before Liam is coming over his fingers, spilling onto Louis' stomach.  Louis grabs Liam's face and pulls him into a kiss, a little rough, all scraping teeth and pushy tongues and hot breath.  Liam sighs shakily into Louis' mouth and the sound pushes Louis off the edge he was teetering on.  He comes hard and bites into Liam's bicep, grunting softly against it as he spasms.  He doesn't let go until his skin stops twitching.

"Ha.  Ha ha ha," Louis laughs tonelessly through heavy breaths.  "Wow."

"That was okay?" 

Louis gives him a gentle, affectionate slap on the cheek.  "Of course that was okay."  

"What the fucking…"  Something buzzes underneath Louis' spine and he jumps so hard that he nearly cracks the bridge of Liam's nose with his forehead.  He wiggles and reaches around until he finds Liam's mobile pressing into his back.  "Message for you."

Liam snorts and collapses onto Louis' chest, tapping in his password and swiping open his messages with his phone balanced on Louis' forehead.  "It's Harry.  We've got a gig."

Louis snatches the phone out of Liam's hands and starts to skim Harry's text for himself.  "Oh really?"  

"In London," Liam adds.

" _Oh really?_ "  Louis waggles his eyebrows at him.

"I'll take that to mean we're in."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahaaaa. This is happening. In chapter form this time.


	3. All the while you loaned your nights to me, I was unable to forget.

"Fucking _missed_ you guys!"Harry and Zayn and Niall meet them at Euston station with coffee and grins and hollers.The three of them had, immediately upon graduation, moved and found a terrible, musty flat and started working terrible jobs to support the band.These days, Louis knows Liam feels a bit out of the loop, stuck in Wolverhampton and forced to commute every other weekend for practice and the occasional gig; so, it warms Louis' heart to watch their warm welcome.Harry, Zayn and Niall envelop Liam in a group hug, and Louis is pleased to stand back and watch them catch up until Harry pulls him into the fold.

As it turns out, Harry was being an optimist.The gig is not so much a real gig as it is an unpaid spot on the opening roster for a James Blunt knockoff - but it's something.  

They play a reasonably-well-received 15-minute-long set (carefully curated and pared down to two cover songs and one original in order to keep everyone's attention) and they hand out a fair number of business cards with their BandCamp url. Plus, the few 20-something girls in the pub look suitably moony-eyed at their hipster boy-band schtick.It's an overall success, as unpaid-pub-gigs go.

"I love it here," announces Harry.He swirls his gin and tonic around and gestures grandly around the pub."Look at all the people!Who are all here to see somebody else play tonight!But still!"

"You're from the sticks, of course you like it here," Zayn teases.  

"But I --" Harry begins to protest.  He thinks about it for a second.  "…Yes."  He nods in agreement.

"I, uh, got into City," Liam blurts out.  His fingers are nervously drumming against his vodka-cranberry, the tink-tink-tink just barely audible over the redheaded hipster crooning over the sound system.  Louis has made it his mission to convince Liam to stop drinking like such a _girl_ , but so far his efforts have gone to waste.  At this point, he takes it as a small victory whenever Liam doesn't order something blended with ice and an umbrella on top.

"Huh?" The boys, Louis-included, tilt their heads in unison like a litter of confused puppies.

"University," Liam clarifies.  He clears his throat.  "City University.  I found out just before we left."  

"Are you serious? Like, here?  London?"  Niall asks, amazed.  Liam nods, and Niall smacks him on the arm affectionately.  

"You can buy the next round, then, as thanks for our constant, unwavering support for your studies," instructs Harry.He ruffles Liam's hair.

Liam huffs a laugh.  "Right - not like you've been begging me to drop out of school and join you hooligans here all along."

"Which is obviously why you applied to City and not Wolverhampton," notes Zayn.

"Maybe," beams Liam.  "I mean, I applied to both, because mum and dad… And it's up to Louis, too," he sheepishly adds.

Louis immediately feels three sets of eyes settle on him intently and he lifts his hands in surrender. "It's up to Liam.  I'm on board."

"Good lad!" Niall drums on the table and waves over their waitress.  Liam glances at Louis apologetically and makes a _sorry-about-that_ face.  The boys all turn to the waitress to place drinks orders (on Liam's dime), and Louis slides a little closer to Liam on the vinyl booth seat.

"So."  Louis slides his hand into Liam's underneath the table.  "Do think you wanna make that leap?"

"I should be the one asking _you_ that question," Liam leans into his shoulder.  "It'd be me dragging you along, wouldn't it?  You've only just gotten settled."

"I'm a big-city boy at heart," murmurs Louis, running his thumb along Liam's.  "I'd move in a heartbeat if you asked."

Harry and Zayn and Niall shoot each other not-so-subtle grins and change the subject back to the pub and how  _amazing_  it is to finally be playing shows in London and how _amazing_ it will be once they finally start getting  _paid_ for their performances.  Eventually.  Hopefully.  The waitress returns with their drinks - the boys ordered a whiskey sour for Liam, out of solidarity for Louis' efforts - and they sit in silence for a moment, until Liam leans up to nuzzle the corner of Louis' jaw.  "Okay," he says, suddenly sober and serious.  "Okay, I'm asking."

Louis presses a kiss against Liam's forehead.  "Good."

"Yes!" Harry shouts, sloshing his drink.  "Yes!  We heard that.  We're holding you to that, Louis."

Zayn nods, "Louis!  Come be hooligans with us, Louis."

"Please," adds Niall.

Liam smiles and squeezes Louis' hand.

"Smoke?" Zayn waves a cigarette in front of Louis' face, and Louis nods gratefully for the chance to escape the spotlight.

"Please."  Louis smacks a kiss on the top of Liam's hand then slides out of the booth, trailing behind Zayn.

They head outside, into the early fall air, and lean side-by-side against the brick wall of the pub.  Zayn lights a cigarette and hands it to him before lighting his own.

"Such a gentleman," Louis remarks fondly.  Zayn smirks at him.

"Sorry for putting you on the spot," he sighs, exhaling a plume of smoke.  "We should have asked you properly."

"I s'pose now's as good a time as ever."  Louis shrugs.  Outside the pub, in the quiet of the night air, he can feel how hard his heart is beating.  

"Yeah," nods Zayn.  "But still.  We wanted to ask _you,_ too.  We didn't want to just ask Liam and have you feel like you weren't -- basically, what I'm _trying_ to say is: 'Hey, Louis, will you please move to London and be part of our band for good because we really like you and want you to play dumb music with us forever?'"

Louis snorts a laugh.

"How was that?" Zayn laughs.  "Was that better?"

"Not bad," admits Louis.

"We just.  We love you, we think you're great.  Great for the band," Zayn sighs.  "Great for Liam.  You have no idea.  He's like night and day."

Louis nods, flicking his cigarette.  A smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.  "Thank you."

Zayn elbows him.  "For what?"

"It means a lot," Louis starts.  "All of this.  You didn't have to be so kind and -- just, thank you."

"'Course, mate."  Zayn's brows furrow and he pulls Louis into a quick hug.  He stubs out his cigarette and motions to Louis.  "Let's head in."

 

~

 

Liam had insisted on booking a hotel room, this time, instead of crashing with the boys as per usual.Between the change in accommodations and Liam's boldness over the last few days (the No-Sex-In-the-House rule had turned into the No-Sex-In-the-House-Unless-Nobody's-Home-or-Unless-We're-Really-Quiet rule), Louis is certain he knows exactly what he's walking into.Liam has always been one for bold gestures - it's only typical that Liam would make a bold gesture out of _fucking_.It's also only typical that Liam would work himself up into a nervous tizzy after all his preparations and overdo it on the social lubrication front.

"Oh god, you're so _drunk."_ Liam is heavy against Louis' shoulder, throwing off both of their balances.  He stumbles over his own feet and nearly knocks the both of them over, so Louis is forced to navigate towards the hotel room by wrapping his left arm around Liam and using his right arm to slide against the wall, supporting both of their weight.  It is slow-going.  "How did you get so drunk?  Seriously."

"Ha," Liam laughs, wiggling out of Louis' grasp and snatching the keycard out of Louis' hand.  "Let's go to be-e-e-ed."

Louis rolls his eyes.  "Where did you think I was taking you?  The circus?"

Liam waggles his eyebrows in response.  It's probably meant to be enticing, but instead Liam looks like he might be having a small stroke.

"Oh god," Louis says again.  They reach their room and Louis patiently waits as Liam jabs the keycard in the general direction of the slot.  "This is a metaphor," Louis sighs.

"What?" asks Liam loudly.

"Never mind."  Louis gently takes the keycard from Liam and unlocks the door, easing them through the threshold and setting Liam down on the bed.  He lowers himself to his knees and sets to work untying Liam's shoelaces.

"Let's do it," states Liam, clumsily dragging his hands through Louis' hair.

"Mhmm," Louis snorts a laugh as he pulls off Liam's trainers, lobbing them into the corner.  "Yes, definitely, uh huh."  Louis kicks off his own shoes and yanks his t-shirt over his head, tossing it over a chair.  Liam starts to fumble with the buttons on his own shirt and Louis slaps his hands away, setting to work.

"Seriously," Liam sighs, his hands sliding up Louis' sides.  His hands are warm and insistent and Louis has to shake the fuzziness from his head in order to finish unbuttoning the last of Liam's buttons.

"Seriously _what_."  Louis presses a kiss to Liam's cheek and gestures for Liam to lift his arms, allowing him to yank the shirt off.  

"Let's _do_ it," mumbles Liam, grabbing at Louis' belt.  " _Do it_ , do it.  You know."

Louis laughs.  "Ooh, Liam Payne.  Aren't you just the king of subtlety."  He sighs and presses another kiss to Liam's lips, then gently pulls Liam's hands from his belt.  "Not like this, baby."

Liam frowns and throws himself back on the bed.  "Why not?  I've been planning for this."

"Oh?" asks Louis, crawling over to lay next to Liam.  He turns his head to examine Liam's face and caresses Liam's chest.  "What do you mean you've been planning for this?"

"Planning for us to… _you know._ "  Liam mumbles.

Louis does know, but he presses forward, half-amused and half-concerned.  "For us to what?"

Liam groans and rubs a clumsy hand over his face.  "Have sex," he murmurs.

"We do have sex."  Louis knows exactly where this is going, but if there's one thing he's learned at this point, it's that it's better to force Liam to let it all out rather than allowing him to bottle things up or tell half-truths that are more emotionally comfortable than their wholes.

It's clear from the frustrated look on his face that Liam knows his hand is being forced, but he's too drunk to rein himself in (admittedly, it's a look that Louis secretly loves).  Liam waves his hands in the air, annoyed that he has to spell it out instead of using his regular, shrouded tactics.  "But not, like, _sex-_ sex."

"We do have _sex_ -sex," sing-songs Louis, mimicking Liam's inflection.  He starts rubbing Liam's tummy (he knows the spins must be taking hold of Liam at this point), but Liam wiggles out of his reach, huffing in frustration.

"You're being difficult."

"That's a big word for a drunk-face like you."  

Frowning, Liam sits up.  He wraps his arms around his knees and stares at his toes, chewing at his lip.  "Don't you want to?"

"Of course I want to," Louis pets Liam's back, trying to assuage his nerves.  "It doesn't mean anything, though.  If we do or if we don't."

"It means a lot," insists Liam.  He falls silent for a moment, then looks earnestly at Louis.  "Doesn't it?"

Louis' heart aches a little.  He sits up and kisses Liam firmly, insistently, dragging his tongue across Liam's lower lip before pulling back and looking him in the eye.  "If you think _penetration_ ," Louis' crinkles his nose at the word, "is the end-all-be-all of sex and intimacy and all that, then you've been sorely misinformed."

 _Not that I'm the greatest authority on intimacy_.  The thought flashes itself across Louis' mind and he has to kiss Liam again to make it fade away.  

Secretly, when he's doing the dishes or brushing his teeth or making the bed, Louis wonders if he's damaged goods now; if his ability to gauge intimacy or propriety or romance has been irrevocably fucked up.  He wonders if years of emotionless, anonymous sex could have permanently destroyed his baseline for what _normal sex_ actuallyis - so, as a result, he goes extra-slow with Liam.  He lets Liam be his baseline, his speedometer: Liam gets to call the shots so Louis doesn't feel like he's toeing the line.

Except for when Liam's drunk.

"I just feel…"  Liam's mouth hangs open as he grasps for the right words.  "Inexperienced.  Because we haven't done it yet and it's been _months_ and - and, you've done it, _obviously_ \- no, no, sorry, I don't mean _obviously_ , I just mean… is it stupid of me to be _terrified_?"

Louis swallows a laugh.  "Oh dear."  He places his hands on either side of Liam's (very drunk) face.  "I had no idea this was weighing so heavily on your mind, love."

"Of course it was," whispers Liam.  He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, leaning into Louis' hands.  "Of course it _is_.  I just want to be able to make you happy.  I'm just afraid of… of not giving you what you need, I guess."

Fiercely, reflexively, Louis yanks him into a hug.  " _God._ Liam, no.  Come on."  Liam clings to him, his clammy fingers digging into Louis' spine.  "I love you.  That's enough.  That's plenty."

"You sure?" asks Liam, carefully, after a moment.

"I'm sure," nods Louis.  He lets go and grasps Liam's shoulders, staring into his eyes.  "I'm also pretty sure you're gonna puke on me soon."

"Maybe," Liam frowns at him for a moment, then closes his eyes and a sways a little.  His face contorts as he's hit by a wave of nausea.

In all his life, Louis has never met anyone as completely _immobilized_ by the spins as Liam Payne.  Bless his heart.

"Up we go, darling."  Louis pulls Liam to his feel and marches him to the toilet, setting him gently down on the edge of the bathtub.  Obediently, Liam stays put with his head in his hands as Louis mills about the hotel room, unwrapping a paper-clad glass and filling it with a water bottle from the mini fridge.

"Ooh, the expensive stuff," mumbles Liam between gulps.

"Only for you, baby," Louis coos, settling down beside him.  

They sit in silence for a while, as Liam sways back and forth, alternately closing and opening his eyes in an attempt to make the room (and his stomach) stop spinning.  He groans in discomfort and flips up the toilet lid.  "Sorry," Liam warns.

"In vino veritas, huh," remarks Louis, petting at Liam's damp hair.

Liam concurs, lurching over the toilet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants to beta, please let me know?


	4. So I didn’t kiss you like I should.

"Yikes," says Liam when he wakes up.It's nearly half-eleven and it's bright as blazes outside - lucky for him and his hangover, Louis is the throw-open-the-drapes kind of morning person.He closes his eyes again and stretches before grabbing his head in pain."Yiiiikes."

Louis laughs, vigorously towelling his hair before tossing the damp towel on Liam's face."Yikes is right."

"I'm sorry," Liam moans from underneath his terry-cloth shroud."That was bad.I'm so embarrassed.That was really bad."

"Hey now," Louis admonishes, poking Liam's nose through the towel."You, drunkenly begging me for sex isn't the _worst_ thing in the world."

Liam makes a sound like a dying hippopotamus.Flopping onto the bed, Louis yanks the towel off Liam's face.He hisses like a vampire at the blast of sunlight.

"Love youuu," Louis hums against Liam's ear, pulling his face closer so he can smack a wet kiss to his temple."Even though you puked _so_ much last night and it's really hard to look at you the same way after seeing so much of your insides.When did you eat ramen?"

Liam grumbles again, then throws off the covers (under which he is still wearing his socks and jeans).He pulls a fresh set of clothes from his rucksack and sets to yanking off his sweaty trousers. "You're horrible.Love you too," he adds.

"Good.  We gotta go - we're meeting the boys at Pret in…" Louis glances at his phone.  "Eight minutes."

"Fuck!Lou, I have to shower!"Liam bolts to his feet and sets toward the bathroom, but Louis catches him by a belt loop. 

"No time, darling, we've got just enough time for us to check out - and for you to brush your teeth, _for the love of god_ \- and if we're lucky we'll only be twenty minutes late."Louis presses Liam's toothbrush into his hand."Besides, we stayed in a _hotel_ \- they're gonna expect us to be all disgusting and post-coital-looking, anyway."He picks the towel up off the bedspread and sets to finishing up his hair.

Liam glares at him.

"Well, at least you look post-coital enough for the both of us," smirks Louis. 

When Liam and Louis arrive (19 minutes late - it didn't help that Liam had to brush his teeth twice since he puked right after the first go), the boys are splayed out on a picnic bench outside of the Euston Pret, in various stages of hungover.Niall is reasonably bright-eyed and devouring a breakfast sandwich, a perky counterpoint to Harry and Zayn who are both dejectedly nursing coffees with sunglasses and beanies on.

"Finally," Zayn sighs, waving at them."The lovebirds have arrived."

"Sorry!"Liam sighs, settling down onto the bench beside him.Louis sits across, next to Harry, who slides them each a coffee."Cheers.Sorry we're late, I had a slow start -"

"'Cause you were _wrecked_ last night," Harry points out."Totally shitfaced.Not that I was much better."He pulls his cardigan tighter around himself and yanks down his beanie further down his forehead in an attempt to ward off the early-September chill.

"You were worse," assures Niall around a mouthful of egg and sausage."Way worse."

Harry snorts a laugh."Thanks, mate." 

"So," Zayn raises his eyebrows at them over his wayfarers."I wanted to get this out there before you guys leave.Straight to business: you're moving, right?It wasn't just drunk-talk, we're gonna make this happen?" 

Niall glances expectantly between their faces, a fleck of egg balanced on his lower lip."Right guys?" 

"Liam?Lou?"Zayn looks between them, tapping his fingers on the tabletop.  

Liam exhales, long and slow and shaky, and Louis isn't one hundred percent sure whether it's due to nerves or his hangover.He glances at Louis, nervously chewing at the inside of his cheek, and gently, Louis nods."Yeah," Liam says finally."Yeah, we're definitely in."

"Good."Zayn claps his hands together and Harry flinches at the noise, hunkering further down in his seat and shoving his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose."Good, because I believe in us, I believe in this band.I didn't move this far away from my mum's cooking for nothing, alright?"

Niall vigorously nods his agreement.

"Hear, hear." Harry lifts his cup.The rest of them knock their coffees against his, a pathetic show of solidarity. 

"Good.Cool," Zayn says."Cool, cool.Now go and catch your damn train, yeah?"

 

~

 

"Okay, but, on the bright side," Liam explains to his mum over the dinner table as Louis stares at his plate and awkwardly forks pasta into his mouth, "it's September right now - so, that's, what," he counts on his fingers, "three and a half months before Spring semester starts.That's _plenty_ of time to sort everything out.Plus, Nico and Ruth went away for Uni."

Liam's mum - Karen - rolls her eyes."I suppose you've got it all figured out, haven't you?"

"Yeah, I think we have - or, uh, we will," Liam insists, and Louis realizes that Karen means _you_ , plural - Liam and himself.Louis clears his throat. 

"I'll be working," Louis offers, and Liam looks immediately grateful for the interjection."A lot.And I know - I know I've been a distraction for Liam lately.But I know his studies will always come first, before… uh, anything else."

"Yes," Liam's dad - _Geoff_ \- nods."Yes, they will." 

Karen rests her elbows on the table and leans her head in her hands, looking intently at Louis."What about _you_ , though, Lou?"

Louis looks back at her, confused.He sets down his fork."What about me?"

"Don't you have anything you want to, um," Karen searches for the right words."Are you just going to find a job, darling?Or do you plan on going to school?Or, what about your family?Do you have family in London?"Her voice is tentative, but the subtext comes across loud and clear. _What are you going to do with yourself all day, while Liam's busy with school and work?While he's building himself a future?_ Louis stomach drops, but he manages to flash her a placating smile.

"No, no - I'll be fine.I'm just gonna, you know, do the band thing.The boys have been great," he flashes an extra sideways smile at Liam, who suddenly looks stressed. "And I'll find a job.Don't worry about me, I'll just be happy to be busy, you know?" 

She nods, concern still painted across her face."Okay, love.Sounds good." 

After dinner, Louis helps clear the table and starts on the dishes until Karen drags him into the garden, leaving a grumbly Liam and Geoff to do the washing-up.  

The lilacs that line the walls of the yard are still holding on in the early fall weather, suffering dutifully through the frosty September mornings, and their smell makes Louis' eyes close involuntarily out of bliss.The two of them hide in their usual spot 'round the corner from the kitchen, a small patch of dirt beside a rosebush (behind which they've a hidden coffee can for butts), and Karen hands him a fag.

"Alright?" Karen peers into his eyes, trying to get a read on him.Louis lights his cigarette and shrugs. 

"Yeah," he says noncommittally."Yeah, fine.Excited." 

"Where's your mum, Lou?" She asks, brushing a hair from his forehead.A jolt of shock runs from the base of his skull to his fingertips and Louis has to take another drag to steady himself.Words refuse to form on his lips so he just shrugs again at her.

"Your dad?" Karen asks softly.Louis just shakes his head.

"Darling," she sighs, pulling him into a hug."I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but I'm _worried_ for you.You show up here with every last one of your earthly belongings stuffed away in a suitcase and neither Geoff nor I know the last thing about your family, about anything -- does anybody know where you are?Can I contact someone for you, anyone?"

Louis stiffens in her embrace, but he doesn't pull away.She smells like Trésor and coconut shampoo and she smells like home."I dunno," he whispers."I haven't tried, for -- a while.To call my mum.Don't even know if her number's still the same, honestly."

"Well," Karen sighs, letting him go."Even if you're not ready to contact her, would you give me her number?For safekeeping.Just in case, you know?"

Louis chews at his lip.

"Just to make _me_ feel better, yeah?"She nudges him, catching his eye under his fringe.  

"Yeah," he breathes, nodding reluctantly."Yeah, ok."

 

~

  

Against both his and Liam's better judgment, they place their trust in Harry's hands to find them a decent flat ahead of their arrival.They don't have many requests: Liam asks that it be reasonably affordable and Louis merely asks that it not be a complete and utter shithole.  

Harry reassures them via text: **i promise not to disappoint you too badly**

 **"** Oh, that's very comforting." Louis smirks, handing his phone to Liam.Liam groans and rolls his eyes before handing it back."What do you think the chances are that Harry takes 'affordable' to the next level and we end up living in a squat?" 

"Uh," Liam yawns, slowly scrolling through yet another page of job postings."No more than fifteen percent?Twenty.Maybe."

"Fuck."Louis snorts a laugh.He tosses his phone onto the bed and perches on the armrest of Liam's desk chair, peering at the screen."Jesus.There isn't much, is there?" 

"No," Liam admits."Not a lot.There's a lot of retail stuff, though, which is good for now I s'pose?"

Louis groans and collapses onto Liam's shoulder, nipping at his neck." _Retail_.Liam, would you really do that to me?Make me a Topman slave?"

"Yes, I would absolutely do that to you," Liam says, nudging him back onto the armrest."It won't be so bad.You like the grocery well enough, don't you?Can't be that different.Sorting vegetables and sorting clothes and all that."

"I don't _sort vegetables_ , Liam, good _god._ "Faux-scandalized, Louis slides off the chair and throws himself onto the bed, rolling himself into a duvet burrito. "I gave my notice today, by the way. I figured I'd give Maria a full month warning.Good thing, too, because she nearly had a heart attack at the very thought of not seeing my beautiful face every morning."

"I'm sure," Liam nods solemnly, eyes still glued to the screen.He squints at a posting and clicks on it, quickly scanning through it before announcing, "Ok, how about this one.Reasonably close to the University, so it'll also be close to whatever flat Harry manages to find for us.Theoretically.Come look."He beckons Louis over.

Louis has to untangle himself from the bedspread before he can stumble over to read it."Ugh," Louis preemptively groans from the headline ( _FULL TIME RETAIL POSITION_ ) and sticks out his tongue."Seriously?"   

"You don't know how to wait tables - and, honestly, who would trust you to wait tables? You're too sarcastic.Plus," he points at the screen, "it seems all hip and whatnot.Hipster clothes."  

" _All hip and whatnot_ ," Louis repeats dully."You sound like my granddad."

"Your granddad fought in the war, probably," Liam rolls his eyes."And you're complaining about folding t-shirts."

"What about you, then?" Louis asks, frustrated. 

"I've got school," says Liam slowly. "I might be able to do part-time, but I don't know if my mum and dad would be okay with that.They're very strict about, you know, studies.They want to get their money's worth, I guess."

"Mhmm," Louis sighs, scrolling down through the advert again, reading it more closely.He'd be loath to admit it, but the family grocery is his first _real_ job ever. It's a happy compromise for him after becoming so accustomed to the _freedom_ of making his own hours and only working when we _wants_ to or really really _needs_ to. The Mantzoukas', old family friends of the Paynes, let him wander in and wander out as long as the shelves are stocked and the floors are swept.  

Truthfully, though he'd never say it out loud: the grocery is as close to normal as he's prepared to manage.The very idea of a job requiring time cards and punctuality and a National Insurance number makes his palms sweat.  It isn't part of his (admittedly twisted version of)  _normal_ and never has been.  

He remembers being little, curled up in his mom's bed, waiting for her to come home from her shifts at the diner, or at the club, or at whatever fucking new job that was  _definitely going to turn things around for us, sweetheart_.  He'd hear the click of the doorknob at three, four, five in the morning and she'd slide in behind him and curl an arm around his belly and he'd let her perfume wash over him into sleep.  When he got older, he'd quickly gotten used to pouring his own cereal for dinner after school and signing his own permission slips.  But his mother worked hard and there was always food in his belly and as far as Louis is concerned, she was as free as you can get without any money to your name.

"I can try it," Louis grits out noncommittally.  "For a while."

"Oh come on - seriously Lou?  I'm just saying.  Let's not pretend retail isn't an upgrade for you," Liam says, suddenly annoyed.  Louis' eyes narrow at him and Liam claps a hand over his mouth.

 _And there it is_.  

One part of Louis is shocked, really, that it took four months and three days for his sins to be thrown in his face.Still, some other part of him had remained faithful that Liam, of all people, would _never_. 

"Wow."Louis takes a measured breath.He stares at Liam's apologetic face and counts to ten, teeth clenched.Exhales.Stands up."Look.Liam," he begins, carefully choosing his words."I appreciate everything that you and your family have done - and are doing - for me.I love you a lot," he takes a step closer to Liam, who is frozen in place, hand still pressed to his mouth."I really, really love you to death."Another step.He closes the gap between them and pulls Liam's hand away.  He presses a kiss to Liam's lips, then pulls back, the tips of their noses hovering an inch apart."But I'm not some puppy you've saved from the pound, okay?"

Liam's lower lip trembles as he nods."Louis, that was so _stupid_ of me to say - I didn't mean to -"He reaches towards Louis hand, and Louis allows him to take it. 

"Yeah," Louis nods, lips pressed in a line."Yeah, I know you didn't."He gently pulls his hand from Liam's, gathers his mobile from the floor and presses another kiss to Liam's jaw before heading down the hallway to the guestroom.

Louis' phone buzzes before he can shut the door behind him and Liam's text,

**i'm so sorry i didn't mean it i don't know why that came out of my mouth**

makes his head pound a little.He pulls off his jeans and socks and climbs into bed without brushing his teeth rather than risking a trip down the hallway to the bathroom.Staring at his too-bright phone in the dark, he taps back,

**it's okay.we're both under a lot of stress.love you, night.**

and then he tries to swallow back the feeling, rising in the back of his throat like bile, that the text is more generous than Liam deserves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nnnghgh. Okay, here's the thing: from a very young age, Louis has gotten used to depending only on himself. He's not used to being responsible to or beholden to anyone at all, and the feeling terrifies him. 
> 
> He's not a shitty person, he just makes shitty, irrational decisions because he hasn't yet grown out of his defiant phase.
> 
> Be kind to Louis.


End file.
